"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal. Today, Congress took the president's lead. They are accepting bribes again."
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it's a special episode that makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
"Bush's popularity is still way, way up there. Today, he was telling Dick Cheney what to do."
"The New York State Department of Health estimates that since September 11th, the incidence of teenage smoking has risen more than 30%. Since most of their soldiers are teenagers, I say we should bomb the Taleban front line with anthrax-laced cigarettes. It could be just another public service provided by Philip Morris."
"The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means - both tanks."
"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. In the most ominous sign of all, President Bush has learned all their names."