"How-To" Titles by George Carlin


- How to remove chewing gum from your brush

- How to turn your front lawn into a cathouse

- How to remove an infected cyst from a loved one

- How to make two small hats out of a brassiere

- How to make a brassiere out of two small hats

- How to have really nice lymph glands

- How to act laid-back during a grease fire

- How to spot a creep from across the street

- How to dance with a Sweedish person

- How to induce a clergymen to grab you by the nuts

- How to milk a dog while it's sleeping

- How to get through college without books

- How to make a small salad out of your work pants

- How to lure a weasel into a cardboard box

- How to filet a panda

- How to get a tan with a blow torch

- How to make an oil lam out of your genitals

- How to style your hair with a bullwhip

- How to convert an old leather chair into twelve pairs of shoes

- How to achieve multiple orgasms with a pair of tweezers

- How to kill a rat with a paper clip

- How to lease out the space inside your nose

- How to spot truly vicious people in church

- How to become a total fuckin' greaseball